Fk u

I'm so fucking pissed right now.
Here is the situation. A friend of my friend (person A) started making fake accounts to troll people from my school. My friend (person B) was playing along in the beginning, but then she realized this prank was getting out of hand and asked por A to stop.
A knows me, and often vocalizes her jealousy of me and B's friendship. I don't know if that was her reason, but she decided to impersonate a random guy in the internet, stealing some of his photos and creating a fake profile on Instagram.
A started flirting, under the name of this guy, with my best friend (person C), who is male. C was one of the few people that actually answered A's messages. They started talking, and C started showing me some of those messages.
C played off as if it was just a random guy, laughing about some weird responses "he" gave to C.But I know C, and wasn't surprised when he told me he has been questioning his sexuality for a while now.
Don't get me wrong, C is definitely not in love with A's persona. But it enfuriates me that the trigger for this huge step in my friend's life wasn't even REAL.
B just told me this, and she made swear that I wouldn't tell it to anyone. Specially to C and A.


Gosh, I hate thinking about what C would think. He despises A. He thinks she is manipulative (which proved to be true), and doesn't treat her friends right.
I always tell the truth, more than you, dear reader, would believe me to. I know this sounds annoyingly cliche, but my honesty is the one quality I still hold close to my chest.
But I don't want to break a promise, and B don't want to make things weird between she and A. Hell, if A knew B told me, their relationship would be doomed. (A is known for her overreactions).

What should I do? 

Animation

I have always wanted to be an animator.
Even when I hadn't had verbalize it, I knew I wanted to do it deep down.
I looked at those destroyed people working in a studio, and I couldn't help thinking that I wouldn't mind destroying myself that way.
I wanted to. Work my fingers to the bone, I mean.
I just feel that aftertaste of deception whenever I think about doing any other profession. Am I infantile? Is this connection with drawings moving something I can grow out of?
I wished I saw it as a mere hobby. I know a lot of people that see it that way.
I don't even know why I feel so attached to it. I was never suppose to be the artsy kid. I'm good with maths, actually, I can take interest in nearly everything.
But I have poor time management skills.
I CAN'T LEAVE MY HOMECOUNTRY
I didn't feel like myself there. English is such a weird language. It feels easier to talk about emotional topics.
Look at how I write. "I, I, I." Such an egoistic being.


I keep praying (even though I don't believe in God) for an afterlife in which I have all the time in the world to pursue anything I want. How to carve wood, speak the language my grandmother speak, sew, dance, sing...
But what if this is the only shot I got? What if existence just lacks fairness? Or maybe the gift (even though I don't believe anyone delivered it to me) of life is enough fairness. Who knows.
I don't want to waste my shot in something I don't want to do. But I also don't want to rely on my parents money in order to pursue that dream.
I hate the word dream. I want something palpable, something real.



I am sorry. My head is a mess

Eduardo

I met a guy in my latest trip. He had big, kind eyes, and a bright smile with brackets. He was fair and tall. Never have I met a truly humble person. I usually think humbleness come across as fishing for compliments, and tend to dislike people that pretend to be humble. 
But the way he quietly accepted compliments made me review my pre-conceptions.
It was easy talking with him. Looking directly at his eyes felt like a challenge, and made me (as a whole) pound like crazy.
We talked about stress in our schools. And religion. And drawing. I tried not to focus on the huge bite marks he had in his neck. We were travelling as a group, so a lot of people were experienting with one another.
And it was okay, really. I don't want responsabilities at this moment on my life. I tried to squeeze in a boyfriend an the end of last year, and we ended up breaking up. I tried to cry, but I couldn't.
"Please see beauty in me", I nonetheless thought.
I wanted to steal some of his brightness. I paled in comparison. And here- I pinpoint, Holmes style- lies the problem: I can't start a relationship feeling less than him.

Jeez, all I wanted is to release some of the sexual tension I have been bottling up for the last two months. Look where I am right now: confessing my attraction through text.
I looked at the words I chose with deception. "I know you don't feel the same way", yara yara yara. Turns his agreement into a negative for me.
I looked at his agreement, feeling blue.
But it was, without a doubt, the best rejection anyone has ever said to me. The words were careful, and I could see he cared.
I was so relieved we were still talking normally the next day.


But when his little touches began, I was confused. I felt like I was in elementary school again. And started to resent him. Couldn't he live up to his words?
I guess he wanted to comfort me.
His eyes were enough though. Eyes that seemed to see everything